September 2015
There are some people I would never trust. These include politicians, Arabs, people who work for the BBC's screening process, Tesco supermarket butchers, anyone from Africa claiming to be a prince or a lawyer, generally anyone from Africa, sharks, mortgage lenders and ginger people.
Ginger people scare me. Their unnatural hair colour and pasty white skin make them look not quite human. Also, they have a tendency to be very angry and violent. In fact the only ginger I've ever fancied was Daphne from Scooby Doo, but she's a cartoon character.
From: legal.attorneylawfirm.esq@gmail.com
Sent: September 21, 2015 08:02 AM
To: Eddie Hall
Subject: deposit
Greetings,
I am contacting you in regards to the deposit of your possible relative Mr Middleton. Get back to me for more details. Thank you.
Mark Harry Esq.
From: Eddie Hall
Sent: September 21, 2015 11:27 AM
To: Mark Harry
Subject: RE: deposit
Hello Mark Harry,
Is this about my uncle Ronnie Middleton who has been missing for 6 months? If you know his whereabouts, please can you let me know or at least pass on a message to him and tell him that Big Norman, the loan shark he stole from, has been arrested and is no longer a threat.
Thanks in advance.
Eddie.
From: Mark Harry
Sent: September 21, 2015 14:07 PM
To: Eddie Hall
Subject: RE: deposit
I did not understand your mail. Please what do you mean with your uncle Ronnie Middleton
From: Eddie Hall
Sent: September 21, 2015 14:12 PM
To: Mark Harry
Subject: RE: deposit
Hi Harry,
Well it's a long story really and I don't really understand all the details. Basically he got involved with the wrong kind of people. They operated a money lending business, protection racket and small crime syndicate. I think uncle Ronnie was a debt collector. He seemed to break a lot of legs and owned a very large cricket bat. My understanding is he was taking a cut of the money that was owed to Big Norman and was busted after Sammy the Snitch grassed him up. Big Norman sent some of his boys round to sort my uncle out but my uncle was smart and did a runner. He's always been good at covering his tracks and they've been unable to find him. They even tried holding me to ransom but my uncle didn't come out of hiding even for that. He's a dick. It's fine though because I managed to escape through the ventilation system and then negotiated a deal with Big Norman. I don't want to go into details about the deal because it makes me feel dirty and degraded.
Anyway, that's the basic story. Do you have any information on him?
From: Mark Harry
Sent: September 21, 2015 14:22 PM
To: Eddie Hall
Subject: RE: deposit
I was contacting you regarding to my late client Mr Robert Middleton funds worth. Thank you
From: Eddie Hall
Sent: September 21, 2015 14:25 PM
To: Mark Harry
Subject: RE: deposit
I have another uncle called Robert Middleton but he tragically died in a freak accident involving a wood-chipping machine. Did he leave me any money in his will?
From: Mark Harry
Sent: September 21, 2015 18:36 PM
To: Eddie Hall
Subject: RE: deposit
I am contacting you because your names are similar and there is a small fortune to be collected by a next of kin. Thank you
From: Eddie Hall
Sent: September 22, 2015 09:17 AM
To: Mark Harry
Subject: RE: deposit
Yes you're right; my name is very similar to Middleton. Well, I mean they both have the letter "L" in them. Your powers of deduction are astounding. Actually, I would quite like to get close to a Middleton. I've always been torn between Kate and Pippa. I think on balance I'd rather have Pippa because Kate has now had two children plus Prince William has been there. Of course I always suspected that Harry might have had a bit of Pippa and I'd never go anywhere near a woman who's been Gingered because I might catch Gingervitis. Do you know what I mean?
