Sometimes when people are talking to me I have this voice in my head that tells me to punch them in the face. This is happening more and more frequently and I'm starting to wonder whether I'm becoming less and less tolerant towards normal people, or whether normal people are just becoming more and more stupid. To be honest I think it's a combination of both.
Steady on Mr Plumber, blockage in your soil pipe?
A good reputation is hard to gain and easy to lose. A bad reputation is easy to get and hard to lose.
The pros and cons of Wordpress
Wordpress is great if you want a lovely looking and functional site that looks identical to everyone else's
Amazon pride themselves on their great customer service. It's a shame I've been dealing with mongoloids
I'm joining ISIS. I saw it on Youtube
It's just not possible to ban all people with a beard and pig spunk round their mouths from using the internet
Stop telling me what to do, Mrs Healthcare
I think I might be thirsty. I would drink some water but I'm afraid it might give me cancer or make me fat.
If you're going to change, change for the better. Don't be like an albino wrecking ball.
Being asked silly questions is almost as annoying as that being on "It's a Small World" at Disneyland with Nicki Minaj.
Plus net minus broadband equals anger
Never let a monkey wire a plug. It may result in high blood pressure, haemorrhaging and anger management sessions.
Viruses, dead people, Google, Facebook, the ninja arts of Amazon and the increasing smell of Kim Jong Un
Follow that taxi. Just don't shoot me
Commit a crime, get sent to jail for several years and come out and run for president. That's how it works, right?
A blinding example of a good eye test
Either opticians are cruel and like to humiliate their patients as much as possible, or my optician fancies me.
No weird shots, no curry, no twats ruining everyone else's night by getting drunk and starting a fight and I feel less grumpy.
What is the point in voting for someone who we've never heard of to do a job we know nothing about in an election of no importance?
Don't discriminate or help the aged
Sometimes you have to accept when you are past your best and gracefully retire, not go and race in America.
Cornwall literally does my head in
If King Arthur really did exist and genuinely did come from Tintagel, I conclude he must have been a dwarf.
Whether something is coloured red, orange or green isn’t going to stop the majority of people being morons.
Never trust a bunch of self governing cretins who make their own rules and make a living by taking money off people.
Don't talk crap, toilet humour is funny
To delve into the bowels of this month's problem I am replacing my soapbox with a stool.
Making a thing out of some bollocks
If you don't tell me what you want, how the hell do you expect me to know what to do Mr corporate idiot?
Forget nostalgia, bring me the Zimmer
Take me out the pasture and shoot me in the head. I'm over the hill and past my prime. But at least I still have my hair
The celebrity virus is killing us all
If I dressed up in a coat made out of panda entrails and then set fire to myself, I'm not convinced people would let me design their website.
Running away for Queen and country
It's dangerous out there. There are people with guns and everything. Not fake ones, proper ones.
Do we really want to let a bunch of foreigners into the country who can run, jump and throw spears? That's just asking for trouble.
How about introducing regulations to prevent Formula 1 drivers from being whiney little bitches and talking nonsense?
Getting royally annoyed with the state
Comparing her majesty to Mickey Mouse might be construed as treason. Protesting about her definitely is and should be punishable by death.
