A guide to four-star censorship

So I was watching one of the music channels the other day thinking – as a grumpy old man does – how they don’t write songs like they used to. During one of the songs, a naughty word was dubbed out. Only it wasn’t a naughty word at all; it was the word “ass”. Now, as everyone knows, an ass is just another word for a donkey. An arse is a slang word for one’s bottom but still not that rude in the grand scheme of things. Certainly it’s not as rude as many of the other four letter words – like **** for instance.

I can only assume that it was dubbed out because the censors believe that any young children watching might turn into racist cocaine addicts and spend their days beating up pensioners and setting fire to things after hearing such obscene profanity. The strange thing was that not very long afterwards I was watching a TV programme when somebody said the word ass, only this time is wasn’t dubbed out.

I get very confused by the inconsistencies of censors. Even after the supposed watershed swear words like **** are dubbed out or replaced with less offensive words like ****. What is the point in having a watershed if words like **** are still going to be cut out for **** sake!

I just don’t understand what the difference is between calling someone a stupid *******, which may or may not be censored, and calling someone a stupid ****er which will definitely get censored regardless of the time, unless it is being watched in the cinema, on the DVD or on a pay-per-view channel. Basically if you want to hear someone swear in a film, you have to pay for the privilege.

Now, **** is regarded as being one of the most offensive swear words along with ****. Of course, both are fundamentally alternative words for other things as are all swear words. I mean, **** is simply one of the many words for sexual intercourse and a **** is another word for a female sexual organ along with *****, which could also refer to a feline creature. Male genitalia have many words. A man’s ***** is sometimes known as a ****, which could also refer to a type of flightless bird. Sometimes they are called a **** which is also a short version of a very common Christian name. Some people refer to it as their **** which can also be used to open doors. ***** is another common alternative which is a term also used when you get stabbed with a pin.

Then there is the word ****, which is just another term for excrement along with the word ****. Both words are also commonly used to refer to something as not being very good or to express despair. This begs the question as to whether taking a **** causes most people despair. Personally, I’ve always found ****ing to be quite satisfying. The only time I despair is when I badly need a **** and can’t find a ****ing toilet.

Another word that is often used to express dejection or annoyance is the word ******, which until the late sixties was illegal. Of course, carrying out such an act is also quite unhygienic as this is where **** comes out of. It’s also the wrong way to go about ****ing if you want to have children. This brings me on to a swear word that is generally deemed not too offensive these days but will still get censored and that is the word ******* which simply refers to the offspring of an unmarried couple and, like all other swear words when directed at an individual or group is meant as a detrimental slur. This is a word that has probably become less of an insulting swear word because the majority of the population these days appear to be *******s.

On the subject of the word ******, people who enjoy this form of ****ing the most are, of course, *** people. Now, *** used to mean happy but this was a word that has been adopted by the rainbow community it seems. Other words for *** people are ***** which can also mean feeling unwell, **** which can also be used as a sound to indicate a sudden vanishing and ****** which is a pork and offal dish popular in the South of Wales and the Midlands. Weirdly, it’s also the term used for a bundle of sticks.

The word **** is something that all men do on a regular basis. There are a lot of websites out there now where these guys can have a **** while watching a woman play with her ***** live via webcam. The reason I bring this up is because a common insult is to call someone a ****er, a ***** or a **** which, as I mentioned earlier is deemed to be the most offensive swear word of them all. What has always confused me is why they are insults when all of them are actually quite satisfying and/or useful. It’s the same when people use the phrase “grow some *****” to direct someone to stop being a wimp and then refer to them as a ***** instead of a wimp. I’ve always thought this should be the other way around. After all, ***** are fragile and delicate objects whereas a ***** are very resilient and can take a pounding for hours.

There are some swear words that appear to be more gender specific. For instance, women generally don’t call each other ****s or ****s because they don’t have them so the comparison would be irrelevant. They do, however, use the word ***** which is just the term for a female dog. Having said that, this is a word men have adopted and it’s not uncommon for them to refer to other men as a ***** now. They also like to call each other ****s or ******* which, as mentioned earlier, are words for female genitalia and are actually quite useful so why they are used as an insult baffles me sometimes.

So with all this censorship over words that are actually quite innocent when used in the right context, why are some deemed ruder than others? And why is the word ass censored out when the word bloody can be used any time of the day on TV and radio without being censored? It doesn’t make any ****ing sense!