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People have often enquired what I have against the Americans and why they are so regularly the subject of my rants. It’s been commented on several times and is actually a difficult question to answer because I’m generally a shy, quiet and usually very polite individual who wouldn’t say a bad word about anybody so when I’m presented with a direct question like that I struggle to find a reasonable answer.The truth is that I don’t have anything against them really. Apart from all being loud, arrogant, fat, litigious, annoying war mongering vermin they are a perfectly lovely breed.
So now I’ve cleared that up, I’d like to explain what happened prior to my recent trip to New Zealand. The flight was from Heathrow Airport to Los Angeles and from there to Auckland. Having had to take a detour because the M25 was closed again, we arrived at the airport only to be promptly blocked at check-in by a very small chap who was sadly born without a personality. He explained in no uncertain terms that neither my wife nor I would be able to board the plane until we paid money to fill in some stupid authorisation form that would grant us permission to enter their stupid country. I explained that we weren’t actually staying at Los Angeles because we were just in transit while the plane was refuelled and the cabin crew re-stocked the kitchen with more rubber food and my understanding was that we only needed to fill in one of those bits of toilet paper if we were staying in the country. Apparently not. The Americans now expect us all to pay for the privilege of spending 2 hours in their horrible, run-down and characterless airport waiting room.
This wasn’t the worst part though. Having spent the first leg of the flight watching the first 4 Harry Potter films, I was very much in need of some fresh air. I never got a chance because we were herded off the plane and into a rather small and dingy waiting area where we had to queue for nearly an hour so the authorities could take our fingerprint and retina scans. I got a little bit nervous when the guy donned a rubber glove as I approached the desk and began to think the several copies of my book I’d put in my suitcase (you know, just in case) might prove to be a painful mistake. We were then herded back into the same waiting area which looked like some sort of prison cell and equipped with nothing other than a 1980’s coffee machine. And seeing as everybody knows that American coffee is just cancerous urine I decided to forego that privilege.
The fingerprint and retina scan got me rather annoyed. I never technically reached American soil. I wasn’t intending on looking for work, emigrating there or even staying for any significant period of time. I’ve never worn a turban in my life and my name is not Mohammed. I was merely getting off the plane because I had to. I was then getting back on it and sitting in exactly the same seat as before. So why in the name of Obama’s skinny buttocks was I being forced to provide them with my fingerprints like some sort of convicted felon? I’ll tell you why; it’s because America wants information on every single living human being because they are paranoid, moronic megalomaniacs who are convinced that everyone is a terrorist and wants to blow them up.
What I found interesting was the fact that all the staff looked like illegal immigrants. The tiny handful of American citizens who worked there wore the same miserable expression that all airport personnel are born with. They are incapable of smiling, lack any social skills and of course being American they are all obese and looked like someone had just stolen their cheeseburger.
Everybody knows that all airports treat people with contempt. We are asked to turn up 36 hours before the flight is actually due to leave and then forced to queue for hours in one of those mazes made of rope that lead to the check-in desk before being sent through to a departure area that is basically little more than a shopping centre which, for any straight man, is a living hell.
They are also stupid and illogical with their rules. For example, they don’t allow people to carry toothpaste or bottles of water in their hand luggage yet they insist that any flammable items like cigarette lighters cannot be in suitcases and must be carried on the plane. So basically it’s fine to be in possession of something that could burn the aircraft down but they fully expect people to dehydrate and have bad breath. I mean come on; what’s the worst that can happen with toothpaste and water? Do they really think Abdul is going to bring the aeroplane down with a minty flavoured water bomb?
Anyway, I digress. The point I’m making is that most airports at least look nice and have things for you to do while you wait for an eternity for the departure gate to open. From what little I saw of LA, it looked like the most depressing hole on the entire Northern hemisphere. I’m also confused as to why their toilet doors are 2 feet off the ground so anybody can peer in. I can only assume it’s because they have cameras at poo level so they can check for people smuggling crack cocaine up their butt holes.
Not that their security can be all that good. The name kind of gives that away. LAX Security hardly inspires confidence. These ridiculous security measures are all a result of the events of 911, which I feel is a bit like the proverbial locking of the stable door after the turban-wearing horse has bolted. In any case, if they would just stop pissing people off, they wouldn’t have to worry about their security as much.
Anyway, it was something of a relief to leave the scum hole that is LA Airport, get back on the plane and watch the last 4 Harry Potter films in peace and quiet – well apart from the annoying couple behind me who decided to have an argument, the prick who sneezed all over my arm and having to contend with the severe lack of leg room. And that’s another thing...