Jingle Balls on television

Last night I spent a frustrating hour flicking through the channels on my freeview TV trying to find something decent to watch. You would think that with the 982 million channels that are available now it would be possible to find at least one that has something decent on. If you think that, you would be wrong.

Now, like every other poor sucker in this country, I spend an obscene amount of money every year on a TV licence and I often find myself wondering ‘is it really worth it?’ I mean the only things I am likely to watch these days are films but why would I want to watch a film on television? For starters it will be only half its original length because the censors will have cut every scene out that involves the plotline and it will be interrupted every 5 minutes with adverts.

I bought myself a nice 42 inch HD ready plasma TV with surround sound for the sole purpose of watching films on DVD. I watch so little television these days and the only channel I watch for a bit of entertainment is ‘Dave’ but even that wears thin after a while because they repeat the same handful of shows every day.

For me, documentaries are out of the question because they are just so patronizing now. I remember one such program where a professor demonstrated what a comet was made up of by putting a pile of dirt and a pile of ice on a table and mashing them together. Was that visual aid really necessary? Would it not have been just as easy to say ‘they are mainly made of ice mixed with a bit of intergalactic dirt and crap’?

The problem is that people are getting less intelligent and can’t even grasp the most basic concepts of everyday life any more. Charles Darwin would be spinning in his grave if he could see the devolution in society today.

The dumbing down of television is largely down to the fact that TV bosses have realised that appealing to the more stupid people attracts higher ratings.

There are two main reasons for this: Firstly, clever people watch much less television and therefore the average viewer is really quite stupid. Secondly, a clever person can still be entertained by a bit of mindless programme content whereas a dumb person will not be entertained by anything that is even remotely intelligent.

It gets worse because for commercial stations there is also the fact that less intelligent people are more responsive to advertising, so the advertisers will concentrate their funding on programmes aimed at the dumb audience.

As a result this has spawned the awful drivel known as reality TV. Not only does this type of programme appeal to stupid people because of its sheer mind-numbing nature but it’s also cheap for the television companies to produce.

Reality TV also produces more of these so called celebrities, who are basically a race of people who are even less intelligent than the average viewer. We now have the situation where people who star in these shows are becoming role models for those who are dumb enough to watch them. Or to put it another way, we now have stupid people being role models for other stupid people!

Now that Christmas is upon us, we’ve got the torture of Christmas television to contend with. Now, back in the day we had the likes of James Bond and Star Wars. These were proper films and vastly more entertaining than the crap they put on TV these days. I mean what do we have to choose from these days? No seriously, what do we have? It’s been so long since I’ve bothered to turn the television on to see what mind-numbing crap they put on that I have genuinely no idea.

Most Christmas films are rubbish. I’ve never understood why a poorly animated cartoon of a snowman accompanied by music sung by a boy who’s undercarriage hasn’t descended ever became such a hit. In fact the only Christmas film I really like is Bernard and the Genie with Lenny Henry, Alan Cumming and Rowan Atkinson. For me that film is a real classic but they haven’t shown it for years and probably never will show it again. My fiancée on the other hand insists on watching Muppets Christmas Carol which is fine. Well apart from the fact that it makes me want to vomit blood and kick Michael Caine repeatedly in the face whilst screaming “what were you thinking?”

I can’t stand those awful repeats of “Christmas specials”. They always insist on showing crap like Morecambe and Wise, who were even less funny than Jonathan Ross. Soap Operas always insist on having special Christmas episodes, which inevitably involves a plot whereby somebody who can’t act will get murdered by someone else who can’t act. It’s ridiculous.

Then of course there is the Queen’s Speech. Does anybody actually watch that? I don’t think I’ve ever watched it in my entire life. But then I have about as much interest in the Royal Family as I do in sticking my genitals in a food blender.

The music industry is even worse. There is this big thing bands and pop stars have about getting the Christmas Number 1. Why is it such a big deal? If I was in the music industry I wouldn’t even bother trying to release a single near Christmas because Simon Cowell monopolises the charts every year with his X factor mentalists. That is a prime example of rubbish reality TV and one that makes me want to stab my own eyes out. I also object to having my Christmas ruined by hearing some talentless mental case crucify a cover version over and over again on the radio.

Of course Christmas singles used to be the forte of Cliff Richard. Now, I would have to be a completely soulless individual to lay one in to Sir Cliff but I’ll give it my best shot. Cliff is a moron. He has produced some of the most annoying Christmas songs of all time and I object to having his idiotic Christian beliefs sung at me every year. Please, please, please stop!

But enough of all that. Christmas is supposed to be a time for giving –or is it forgiving? I really can’t remember - so I’ll give you all a good piece of advice. Do not buy the X Factor single this year. Start a Facebook page like someone did last year and petition for something like Smack My Bitch Up by the prodigy to be Christmas number 1. That would be much more entertaining.

And Merry Christmas one and all.