Show me the money

The recent news that Facebook has purchased the domain fb.com for $8.5 million just goes to further emphasise the fact that some people have far too much money.

Still, it’s good to see companies like that splashing out a bit. Firstly because, according to the press, there is apparently no money left in the world but also because, in my experience, the people who have money are usually the ones who are less likely to spend it.

You all know the kinds of people I’m referring to. They are the loud pompous ones in meetings who will bang on about their new BMW Z3 whilst showing off their Rolex watch, and then quibble over a £30 invoice. The same people who will phone up and ask you to do work for them and expect you to do it for free. The people who think it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore invoices and statements for a year.

It’s always difficult to demand money off people but it needs doing sometimes; if only so I can afford to put food on my plate. Given this alleged recession we are in, I happen to find myself spending more money than ever. As well as continuing to pay a mortgage of a squillion quid a month, I’m also getting a new kitchen built this year. I’m also planning an extension on the house. As well as that, I’m also getting married in November and that not only means a huge expense for the wedding itself, it also means that I’ll soon have a wife and that means I’m going to be in debt for the rest of my life.

I know we all like to get the best deal and I guess these rich folk became rich by not spending their own money. They are also usually very good at haggling and pressuring people into giving them an unreasonably good deal. I generally don’t haggle with people on account of the fact that I’m crap at it. Nevertheless, I’ve found myself having to a lot of negotiating with wedding venue proprietors lately because I’ve established that they are all thieving bastards.

In my business, I have to be quite flexible with quotes and payment options. I deal with a wide range of market sectors and different size companies and often have to cater for specific requirements. However, in my (and my wife’s) quest for the perfect wedding venue, I have been shocked at how inflexible people are in that business.

For instance, we found two really nice venues. The first one we looked at was an old country house. It was a lovely building with really nice surroundings. The only problem was they charged an obscene amount per head for food. When I asked whether we could provide our own caterers because I didn’t defecate fifty pound notes, the lady said that was fine but they would have to double the cost of the venue hire. Or to put it another way, by not using their caterers I would be forced to pay more for the venue hire than it would originally have cost for the hire and catering combined. And then paid for my own catering. Bye-bye.

The next venue we tried was a castle. My fiancée has always wanted to get married in a castle and I quite fancy the idea of being a King for a day so it appealed to my pretentious nature as well. The place really was quite superb. The ceremony would be held in the main hall under candle-light. Very romantic. The main problem again came down to the caterers. We could only use their recommended, and rather naff, people. The first option was a sort of nouvelle cuisine type offering, which means being presented with a huge silver platter the size of a house but needing a magnifying glass to actually see the food. The offerings were limited: The starter consisted of half a grilled snail drizzled in horse piss, the main course was a piece of spinach garnished in a seaweed and cat testicle sauce with a side of rabbit droppings. Pudding consisted of something revolting and French. The second catering option was a buffet. This was more appealing and much cheaper but we could only have it if we got married between Monday and Thursday. We asked if we could have the cheaper caterer for a Friday or Saturday but were told categorically that wouldn’t be possible.

There were other issues with that particular venue. They also wanted to charge us extra for having lighting in the banqueting hall. This confused me somewhat because I had assumed, as you would, that the lighting would be included. I did enquire what would happen if we chose not to have lighting (I was mainly humouring her). It transpired that we would effectively have to eat in the dark.

It’s not exactly the best way to do business and I can’t begin to imagine the amount of money they must have lost by being so short-sighted. For the sake of losing a few hundred quid for not allowing us to use a cheaper caterer – or be able to see each other, they have instead opted to lose several thousand pounds by turning us away.

Anyway, after a few more places fell by the wayside for being comically expensive or just plain rubbish, we eventually settled on a really nice venue. Again, the caterers were limited and we could only use theirs but they have turned out to be both good value and with a decent enough selection of food that is actually edible.

So now we just have the entertainment, drinks, invitations, transport, table decorations, flowers, the wedding dress, bridesmaids’ dresses, suits, wedding rings, honeymoon and finally bankruptcy to worry about.

Obviously I want to make this the most perfect day for my future wife so I’m making sure the business is running smoothly and earning me enough money to be able to afford to have lights on at the wedding. This is a task made all the more difficult when I have annoying individuals who seem hell-bent on not paying me and people expecting me to do more work for no extra money.

I have therefore decided to purchase a cricket bat. Any payment stragglers will get a visit from my colleague, Mr Big. Failing that, I will email Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg and ask if he’s got a spare $8.5 million he can lend me.