The Magazine
The commercial world, and the people confidently failing to run it.
50 pieces
Businesses around the world have begun replacing desks, chairs, photocopiers and managing directors with Nvidia graphics processors.
A good reputation is hard to gain and easy to lose. A bad reputation is easy to get and hard to lose.
Wordpress is great if you want a lovely looking and functional site that looks identical to everyone else's
It's just not possible to ban all people with a beard and pig spunk round their mouths from using the internet
If you're going to change, change for the better. Don't be like an albino wrecking ball.
Being asked silly questions is almost as annoying as that being on "It's a Small World" at Disneyland with Nicki Minaj.
Never let a monkey wire a plug. It may result in high blood pressure, haemorrhaging and anger management sessions.
Viruses, dead people, Google, Facebook, the ninja arts of Amazon and the increasing smell of Kim Jong Un
Whether something is coloured red, orange or green isn’t going to stop the majority of people being morons.
If you don't tell me what you want, how the hell do you expect me to know what to do Mr corporate idiot?
If I dressed up in a coat made out of panda entrails and then set fire to myself, I'm not convinced people would let me design their website.
If you can't beat them, beat them. Because they will be expecting you to join them so you'll have the element of surprise
Apparently an IPO is something a little more serious than a LOL, a ROFL and a LMFAO but it all sounds like a load of COCK to me
A first class example of why we need to stamp out idiots and inbreds can be demonstrated by the postal service.
How can moving a plastic white box cost me more money than than the whole country has available to it Mr Frenchie?
How using a cricket bat with nails hammered into it could be used as a powerful marketing tool to promote a new business venture
Do you remember Bugs Bunny sticking his fingers down the end of a shotgun to make it backfire? Well it turns out that doesn't work in real life.
No jokes about Blackberry crumbles or how Steve Jobs lived life to the Macs otherwise I won't get into heaven; God has a thing about Apples.
According to a recent survey, breathing is bad for your health. It has been proven that 100% of people who breathe will eventually die.
Despite being a natural cynic and a grumpy old man, I'm actually a very nice bloke so I'd like to prove this by publicly not ranting.
There are so many vagaries about what can and cannot be claimed for. Should I have a cup of tea or wipe my arse?
I like to be productive. I don't ever want to feel like a useless under-achieving waste of time and space. Like an EU bureaucrat for example.
Government conspiracies, royal weddings, one-armed chimpanzees and internet service providers who are incompetent petty thieves.
The disadvantage with working from home is the size of my garden. And the comfortable garden furniture. And the fridge full of cold beer.
If you thought the price of gas was expensive, you should try moving a gas meter. The website is a bit rubbish too.
I don't defecate fifty pound notes, I don't expect to have to eat in the dark and I expect to be paid when I do work for people.
Whilst honesty is the best policy, sometimes it is necessary to lie; both in business and when you're being watched by the CIA.
The irony of me sharing my opinion on people sharing is not lost on me but people on Facebook don't want to know about your genital warts.
Asking a web designer to fix your computer is like asking a taxi driver to service your car.
The idea of exploring the final frontier in a galaxy far, far away is all jolly nice and all that if only space wasn't such a big problem.
An afternoon of fun and games shouting at a Leprechaun whilst listening to classical music on my phone.
If using a mobile phone is supposed to give me a brain tumour, does that mean I'll develop testicular cancer if I carry it around in my pocket?
I really don’t want to sound like one of these doomsayers but I’m sure my iPhone is going to murder me horribly in my sleep.
When I'm writing an algebraic equation whilst simultaneously learning Latin and playing chess, the last thing I want to do is speak to you.
Maybe it won’t be the computers that rise up and take over after all. Perhaps customers will kill off all intelligent life first.
How bad has education become that a bloke who didn't pick up a book until he was 20 is writing an article educating people on grammar?
Let's face it, if the Beatles were around today they would not have achieved the same success with the song 'Kindle writer'.
Embellishment, talking bollocks and a pretentious nature are key to ensuring a long and successful career in the modern age.
Sending a subliminal message to all advertisers out there: Stop wasting your money on pointless TV ads. Advertise on Google and earn me some money!
Strategic planning, stop for coffee and then end with a string of clichés before actively contemplating suicide. Welcome to the board!
For all you millions of geeks out there who are waiting for the iPhone to incorporate Flash, you are wasting your time.
I've been called lots of things in my time, from arrogant to ugly. Still, things could be worse; I could be a consultant!
To pee or not to pee; that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous charges, or to take arms against extortionists and, by opposing, end them.
The internet is crawling with nasty, thieving conmen. Well I've developed a unique, ingenious and rather satisfying way of dealing with them.
It’s not like me to spout philosophical nonsense but I liken the Internet to life itself; it’s full of entertainment, knowledge, viruses and lots of sex.
Have you ever tried explaining quantum physics and philosophy to a monkey? I guarantee it’s easier than explaining anything to a customer.
There are some things in this world that we have no control over, especially when one is enjoying a nice Jacuzzi in the heart of Shakespeare country.
When Google do eventually take over the world, I want to be the first to own up and say I will happily take on the role of evil henchman.
I have only one word to describe the nasty, greedy bankers and evil economists of this world and ironically that word rhymes with banker.
Instead of the Americans reforming their health system, perhaps they should think about reforming their diet and general lifestyle.