The Magazine
The monthly reckoning. Whatever the world did wrong since the last one.
50 pieces
Britain Has Decided Brexit Was Rubbish, So Naturally We’re Having Another Argument About It
Amazon pride themselves on their great customer service. It's a shame I've been dealing with mongoloids
I think I might be thirsty. I would drink some water but I'm afraid it might give me cancer or make me fat.
Commit a crime, get sent to jail for several years and come out and run for president. That's how it works, right?
Either opticians are cruel and like to humiliate their patients as much as possible, or my optician fancies me.
No weird shots, no curry, no twats ruining everyone else's night by getting drunk and starting a fight and I feel less grumpy.
What is the point in voting for someone who we've never heard of to do a job we know nothing about in an election of no importance?
If King Arthur really did exist and genuinely did come from Tintagel, I conclude he must have been a dwarf.
Never trust a bunch of self governing cretins who make their own rules and make a living by taking money off people.
To delve into the bowels of this month's problem I am replacing my soapbox with a stool.
It's dangerous out there. There are people with guns and everything. Not fake ones, proper ones.
Do we really want to let a bunch of foreigners into the country who can run, jump and throw spears? That's just asking for trouble.
Comparing her majesty to Mickey Mouse might be construed as treason. Protesting about her definitely is and should be punishable by death.
Designing something with pockets and then sewing them up is as stupid as putting tape over your mouth and listening to a Cheryl Cole album.
Hopefully I won't get too engrossed in rubbish kids TV and end up misplacing my future children on holiday. Or take them to the Island of Sodor.
Female dogs, young cats, donkeys and their reproductive organs are amongst the most heinous things on this planet apparently.
I'm just passing through because I have to. This shouldn't involve interrogation and anal probes by humourless American officials.
Not only should strikers be shot, but those who complain about people making jokes about shooting strikers should be shot.
Dear Santa, please don't let me get crucified, blown up or burnt as a heretic and I promise I'll be a good boy.
If someone offered me free dinner and a party, I would gratefully accept it and not demand any more special privileges.
Rather than cutting back on important things like national security, why not cut back on pointless things like government ministers?
Apparently the most common thing in the Universe is hydrogen. I assure you the most common thing is actually stupidity.
Cars are designed to be driven, aeroplanes are designed to be flown and films are designed to be watched. So why are seats not designed to be sat in?
I don't particularly want to start wearing incontinence pants, but if it comes down to it I will. My dignity is at stake.
As ever, Nanny-State Nazis are making a complete hash of things by being tree-hugging, fair trade tea drinking, sandal wearing, bearded lesbians.
I managed to go through my childhood without killing myself so I really don't need some do-gooder telling how to live my adult life.
Yeah build a wall, of course that will work. While you're at it why not also develop a force field like the ones they have in Star Wars.
If anyone has the right to waste my money it's me, not some suited pen-pushing faggot who won't let me recycle food-waste.
Newspeak, Big Brother and harsh punishments for exercising freedom of speech. Now that would make a good book.
Surely the best piece of advice for anyone attempting to lose weight in the New Year would be to get off their fat, lazy arse and stop eating.
Can someone please invent a function on the TV to turn up the intelligence level? There is one labelled 'Brightness' but it doesn't work.
Fortunately Thanksgiving is only an American celebration because litigation culture, obesity and friendly fire is about all we have to thank America for.
If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, why is it they have such difficulty driving and parking at the same time?
Spending an evening being robbed, spit on, molested, shouted at, deafened and stabbed is hardly how I want to spend my Friday night.
I've been in many uncomfortable situations in my life but nothing could prepare me for the awkwardness of being in the company of Mr Flibble from the planet Zobb!
She had a face like an arse, she was obviously a slag with no self control and she really needs to work on her left hook. Welcome to Essex!
22 effeminate grown men with perms chasing a leather ball around on a grass lawn? I would rather watch the grass grow.
Hopefully the British people have truly had enough so not even the Sun newspaper will be able to convince anyone to vote for this mad man.
To save myself the aggravation of lawsuits, I am going to hire an old, fat, black, disabled, homosexual ginger woman to raise my children.
It's a straight fight between the Brits and the Germans with a challenge from Austria. The last time this happened things got rather messy!
It’s time to break out the pipe and slippers because I’m fast approaching thirty and already I’m confused by the youth of today.
New Year Sale now on: Come into our country and blow us all up and we'll give you a house, a car and stick you on benefits for as long as you want.
Breaking and entering, loitering with intent to entice children, cruelty to animals and drink driving is just the tip of the ice berg.
I am entering the 21st Century and launching myself firmly onto the Internet Information Super-Bypass!
Please stop talking to me like you're my best friend. I've never met you and have no idea who you are!
I spent over a decade of my life in Education and what was the most important lesson I learned? That it is a complete waste of time.
No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, if they do say Jehovah!
Most of them have no talent whatsoever and why in the name of Greek buggery do they insist on naming their poor children after fruits of the forest?
Stop this nanny state rubbish and accept responsibility for yourself. Oh and stop eating, it's damaging the environment!
They hog the pavement, they terrorise pedestrians in those horrible buggies, they walk slowly and they smell of cabbage!